Acid Reflux In Newborns
I'm not a doctor. I'm not an expert in infant development or behavior. In fact, before I had my own kids, I wasn't even particularly drawn to little kids. But, I'm a mom who has had two of these 'high-needs' babies (granted, my second was much more so).
Acid Reflux In Newborns
I had never heard the term until my second child was a few months old, but when I saw the description a light bulb went off. I wasn't alone! My baby wasn't psychologically underdeveloped, emotionally stunted, spoiled, or 'difficult', just 'high-needs'. Finally there was a way I could explain it to people, instead of just saying, "My baby is really, really fussy".
Acid Reflux In Newborns
But Aren't All Babies 'Needy'?
Acid Reflux In Newborns
Perhaps the best way to describe what 'high-needs' is, is to first explain what it is not. Well meaning people (parents, at that!) may say, "Oh, all babies are high-needs to some extent. They are babies, after all". Other people think, "Surely you must be exaggerating...your baby can't cry and fuss all day". Well, let me tell you - you better believe they can!
The term 'high-needs' is simply a descriptive term given to any baby that requires a significant (above average) amount of holding, attention, movement or motion in order to prevent crying, screaming or fussing. Notice I didn't write, 'in order to be happy or content'. Many high-needs babies may seldom appear happy or content.
My High-Needs Baby
I remember when our son was 4 weeks old and in the hospital with a respiratory virus. Surprisingly, he screamed and cried less in those 4 days than in the previous month (perhaps because of all the action and activity going on?). He actually laid still on the bed for a couple of minutes watching the TV. My husband took a picture of him lying there, because it was a significant moment - That was the longest he had gone without crying since he was born (except when he was sleeping, of course).
Like my little guy, a high-needs baby is not likely to drift peacefully off to sleep while mommy sings a lullaby, or sit happily in the stroller watching the world go by. A high-needs baby probably doesn't entertain him or herself by playing quietly with toys, and likely doesn't feed every 2.5-3 hours and then contentedly lay back and gaze up into her mother's eyes. In fact, sometimes it may seem impossible to make a high-needs baby content or happy. And if you do find some little trick that works, chances are it won't work next time.
What Makes a Baby High-Needs?
Babies may be high-needs because they are in pain or discomfort. Perhaps there is a physiological issue present, such as acid-reflux, or an allergy or sensitivity to dairy or other foods. And of course, many newborns go through a colicky stage, where they cry or scream, usually in the evening (but not always), usually appear to be in pain, and where soothing efforts may appear to be useless.
I would consider babies experiencing any of these physical issues to be 'high-needs'. Some would disagree because there is a clear cause to the crying. Regardless, these babies all have a few things in common: They cry excessively, are difficult to soothe, may have trouble sleeping or eating, and are very draining on their parents.
Characteristics of a High-Needs Baby
Following are some of the characteristics of high-needs babies. All babies experience these issues from time to time. High-needs babies, on the other hand, experience these a majority of the time, and probably experience many of them at the same time.
Many of these traits are written about by Dr. Sears (who coined the term 'high-need infant'), while others are drawn from my experience, or the experiences of other parents of high-needs infants that I have talked to.
* Difficulty falling and/or staying asleep
* Difficulty entertaining themselves
* Excessive crying or fussing
* Loud, intense crying or screaming (often for no apparent reason)
* Difficulty feeding
* Unpredictability
* May be difficult or seemingly impossible to soothe
* Demanding (may cry urgently when needs aren't met immediately)
* May need to be carried around constantly
* May require movement or motion (e.g. a swing, car ride, etc.) to prevent crying
* Reacts strongly to stimuli (both positive and negative)
* High-energy
* May require lots of activity/stimuli to remain entertained
* May need the calm and familiarity of home to remain somewhat content
The verdict is out on whether or not high-needs babies remain high-needs. Some extremely active, demanding babies become gentle and calm toddlers. Others remain very busy and active. In the case of my two high-needs babies, both seemed to outgrow this stage when they began crawling (although my youngest is only 9 months, so I may have to get back to you!).
How Do I Cope with My High-Needs Baby?
In my experience, half the battle is adjusting your thinking and accepting your baby as he or she is. Realize that some babies just have a different temperament, and just need more attention right now. Try to put aside the expectations and hopes you had for your baby when you were pregnant. Embrace the fact that your baby is who he is, but this isn't how he will always be.
When your baby is screaming, strap her into the stroller, hook up your Ipod, get yourself a coffee and go for a long walk. Don't worry about your house looking perfect. In a few months, you'll have more time for that. Arrange to have a babysitter a couple of times a week...don't worry about your baby's crying bothering the sitter - This is one day in her life, this is your every day. Order in dinner; the gourmet meals can wait a while.
But most of all, be gentle with yourself. The expectations you may have had for what kind of mother you would be probably didn't take into account having a high-needs baby. Don't expect that you'll always have warm, fuzzy feelings towards your little one. Enjoy the quiet, happy times you do have together right now. Find ways to get through it. I promise, it will get easier.
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